This post was written by Christine Soucy.

Sales people in department stores have battle tales that will give you an existential crisis like none other. Yes, there are people out there, living in this same world as you and I, that will try to get a person fired for not honoring their expired coupon. As one such employee, I’ll save you the heavier crisis and share instead a peculiar phone conversation, along with the answers I would have given if my job did not depend on the customer not feeling lame.

A man called asking for the juniors department, and I was the lucky employee who spent the next twenty minutes discussing baby costumes for adults with him.

“Have you ever dressed up as a baby?”

No sir, I cannot say that I have.

“Would you ever dress up like a baby?”

It would definitely not be my idea if I ever did.

“What would you wear to dress up like a baby? I’m asking for my wife.” Please just search the Internet like a normal person.

“Would you wear a diaper?”

No. No no no no no.

“Would you wear the diaper inside your pants or on the outside?”

Excuse me?

“Are diapers uncomfortable to walk in?” Probably, seeing as they’re made for people who can’t walk.

“What would you wear underneath?”

Oh my god…

“Are you college-aged? We’re college-aged.”

Really? Because you sound like you’re in your 40s.

“What kind of shoes do babies wear?” No shoes or tiny adorable versions of adult shoes.

“Do they sell those in adult sizes?”

Yes?

“About the diaper again, would you wear the pull-up adult kind or the kind with the big safety pins?” Okay okay okay, if I were forced, by some cruel twist of fate, to wear a diaper, I would most definitely wear the cooler vintage version with some giant safety pins.

“Where can you buy the kind with the safety pins?”

I really could not tell you.

“Do you think it’s lame to dress up like a baby?”

Yes, but you obviously do not, so I’ll try to be nice about it.

Somewhere in his slew of questions, he told me the reason for his call. His wife has to wear adult diapers for medical reasons, and so her friends are throwing her a slumber party to make her feel better about it. They are all going to dress up like babies, watch Disney movies and eat baby-inspired food. Although it was without a doubt the weirdest phone call I’ve had on the job, the gesture behind it was sweet.

When I told my coworkers about the diaper man phone call that left me twenty minutes behind all of my department store closing duties, they were convinced that this mystery man, in fact, has no wife and instead has a diaper fetish. He only wanted to hear a “college-aged” girl talk about wearing diapers, so he could picture it in his sick brain. He’d have just hung up if Mark answered.

It might be naïveté, but I cannot get behind the diaper fetish theory. To me, he’ll forever be the sweet husband not afraid to ask the uncomfortable questions.

(Photo on the homepage: miguelb/flickr)

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