Panda Express just announced an unexpected addition to its menu – a bowl full of kale (plus chicken breast, shiitake mushrooms and broccoli). I think the question running through everyone’s mind right now is, “Why?” The reason to go to Panda Express is to consume fried chicken nuggets covered in sweet-and-sour sauce, not pick up a well-balanced meal.

However, the “Chinese” restaurant is far from the first fast food place to try to cash in on the latest health trends. Here are the five lamest attempts by junk-food joints to offer menu items that won’t clog your arteries.

  • McDonald’s apple slices — I find this side option personally offensive. It is widely known that McDonald’s fries are the best of all fast food fries. Those golden arches are the only reason I even bother visiting. To replace them with garden-variety apple slices is nothing short of blasphemy. If I found out my friend had ordered these, we would no longer be friends.
In what world is this an acceptable substitute for fries?

In what world is this an acceptable substitute for fries?

  • Burger King’s Satisfries — Excuse me while I die of laughter. Burger King didn’t even bother to come up with something that has actual nutritional value. Instead, they made their fries slightly less bad for you. Look, if you’re going to order French fries, you need to commit. Don’t try to make them into something they’re not, BK – they’re already perfect.
Does that mean these are unsatisfries?

Does that mean these are unsatisfries?

Taco Bell in its classic form.

Taco Bell in its classic form.

  • Hardee’s low-carb Thickburger – I’ll tell you how this is low-carb. Have you seen a Thickburger? You don’t even need to see it. It’s right there in the name. It’s just a giant hunk of cow that takes approximately 48 hours to digest. Also, any burger becomes low-carb once you remove the bun. Nice try, Hardee’s.
No, this isn't the low-carb option, but the beef patties are comparable size.

No, this isn’t the low-carb option, but the beef patties are the same.

  • Kentucky Grilled Chicken – The word “fried” is in KFC’s name. What possessed KFC to think it needed to deviate from its grease-clogged roots? Grilled chicken is what you eat when you’re sad and dieting. KFC is what you eat when you don’t care anymore. The two don’t mix.
Sad, diet chicken doesn't belong at KFC.

Sad, diet chicken doesn’t belong at KFC.

All photos courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

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